Ok, so Megan said to right when you’re happy as well as sad so that you can look back on the better times.
Its 1:30 in the morning and I’ve just finished watching Spider man 2 (sad that the movie would put me in a good mood - but I’ll let you in on something, I’m a real sucker for a love story - especially one with a happy ending, and Kirsten dunst... (I know that that wouldn’t be the right spelling... but as you know - I couldn’t spell to save my own skin!) Anyway... she needs to do more roles with red hair.
I don’t get it - where ever did my interest in red haired come from?? And its not as tho its all red heads, but a significant number - and more to the point - I seem to keep in some form of contact with them.
O well.
Megan and I were talking about me again - and I said that I feel that I need some form of constant... but couldn’t say what that was actually.
But tonight I think that it’s something to love.
Now, I love lots of things - so lets make it something more specific - I can love my music, but my music doesn’t love me... so am I saying that what I need is something to love me???
That’s an interesting idea.
A constant, that I love, that loves me.... is it something that I want to put time into and effort because what you get out of it is love??
Lets tone it down.
Like..... We can all relate to that.
A constant is something to Like and be liked by the constant in return.
Something to come back to and spend time with for the simple reason that you like doing so.
With my music, teaching, performing, fire twirling.... they all give me that buzz of happiness.
talking with one of my mates at the end of a bad day - or just having something nice happen for no reason.. That’s nice. I like that - for example - I got to have a 30 hour visit with Lucy last weekend... and it put me in a mood that laserd for a few days.
It’s when someone asks you "I’d really like it if you" or "it would mean lots to me..."
One thing that sends me crazy is just when people say a true heart felt "thankyou."
That really gets me going.
So - in the case of Spiderman - was it the appreciation that he felt at the end of the movie?? Do I want something like that??
To be appreciated.
I’ve had a lot of things given to me as appreciation in the manner of awards, but the ones that have meant the most came from people who's opinions I cared about and valued.
and - wouldn’t the 'easiest' way to be appreciated in that form... would be to have a partner.
I’m of the opinion at times that love or whatever you want to call it is a product of "hormonal-brain damage" but... then on other times all I can wish for is that someone was there to simply give me a hug, or hold my hand.
That would be a 'constant' it would be something to come back to.
I was told that I needed to find that centre before I try to have that relationship - so that the person wouldn’t have to put up with my mood swings... but I think that there is the possibility that I could find someone who could to an extent live with it. and rather then when I was in a bad mood, rather than being like everyone else and leaving me to stew on it.. They would say "hey, what’s up??" and I know that I could tell them with out feeling stupid - cause they want to hear, they appreciate me, and I them.
lots of people have said "your a really nice person, you deserve to be happy" and they are talking about relationships... so - if there are so many people saying it - maybe I do.
it would be interesting.
One day I hope to find it all, so that I can be this happy more constantly. For a time.
Another thing that I’m excited about working on is something that I haven’t told you about yet.
I want to see if there is a place that in me, my Spirituality and my Science can co exist...
anyone want to come along for the ride???
Yours in love - and may there be a happy ending for your all, Sven.
