This is a complete work... I hope that you can find something that you can relate to in here.
basically I just had to clear my head.
Enjoy!
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Hey guys.
Yet another exciting day in the life of me yesterday... well, today if you count days by having a time where you sleep in between......
its 02:15 and I’m drunk again... ok well maybe tipsy be now again - but all the same - and as it is I want you to ignore the spelling mistakes more than normal ok???
I was just with the lovely Megan and she told me to write a letter to my self... so I’ll do that some day be now I’m just going to ramble till I fall asleep (don’t worry - it wont be long!! I assure you!)
Dear Sven,
Ok here are the facts - you play life to easy - look face it if you were to just go for things its all in black and white and not a spectrum - your problem if that you wait too long for things... so much so that you suffer from PMS (perfect moment syndrome) and I don’t really care if you say that you try - you need to try harder... now stop side stepping and head straight for the problem of the moment.
Tamsin
Ok, good start- you put a name to it. Now what’s the problem??? Well, I find that although
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(the next morning - 9:30)
I'm afraid that that’s as far as I got last night... then I could not concentrate on the screen anymore and turned off the computer and crawled to bed and fell asleep.... I think I fell asleep - its more a thing of passing out on my bed rather than over a computer screen. ok - I just read this poem by a mate from the states and she has in spired me to have a bit of a rant.... although - now that I’m here I cant remember what I was going to say (stupid hang over >.< you know when your able to think short bursts but unless you concentrate you loose it all?? well that’s where I am at the moment - so on that note I apologise in advance assuming that this is going to hideously disjointed. here we go... this is you last chance to back out and go do something useful.. I’ve warned you - from now of its your own fault.
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We are sitting in a room, the crowd hushes as the lights dim - quite, quieter and then nothing.
The audience is totally hushed - we are all holding our breath, hoping that it won’t be forever.
A loud "clang" as a spot night thrusts its way through the dark dusty room spilling out on the stage in a perfect circle only to be gobbled up the that ever invasive dark.
And in the middle of the light is me.
The crowd shuffle slightly in their chairs attempting to set the plastic and foam into a more comfortable shape. Some start to breathe slowly - trying to do so as quietly as possible so as not to miss the first words.
"Why" booms through the air.
Why?? What a great question..! It has all the right things for a good question... yes! Of course!
"Why?" Why do we fall in love? to what ever extent that could mean to you in your own experience? Love of: food, of life, god, the season spring or of a "loved one"? (Family, friends, partner) What does it do for us?? People say that its what makes the world go around... but hey! They said that about money and gravitation as well didn’t they?? But maybe, they are interconnected - gravity is an attraction... as is love - so does that mean that love is simply the emotional/hormonal form of gravity???
Does that also then mean that the other forms of attraction such as loyalty, patriotism and the need have people around us – may not be a thing of feeling secure, but another form of love??
all these questions it hurts my brain.
But yes - on one level: Yes it does. The love of a cause the love of a country/town/state etc the love to be with people and to belong. (In other words as an animal we need to: Have a reason, have somewhere to call home and be proud of it AND have things around us tat make us feel comfortable and safe)
Awesome... I had never thought of that before."
Some of the crowd were unsure of what they had gotten them selves into. Others were siting quite literally on the edge of their seat hanging off my every word.
And of coerce there were the people who were simply bored and off in their own world dreaming of a way out.
"Now..." I said after a short paws.
I watched as I said "now," pausing and scanning the audience momentarily.
“Now, I have to ask the next question and I want you to know that although I cant talk for you, I can however talk for me, and thus what I say is correct one hundread percent, keeping in mind that is - until I change my mind. So: in the words of a great Poet:
How did you do that, I ask myself, To make me fall in love with you. To take the plunge, to allow myself Not knowing if I'd get hurt again. how do people do it?? Well, today, now and here in this mind set I would have to say that its a factor of many things: But possibly the main one… and lets run with it is the working with the love between two people and more specifically YOU cause you will never know what the other party really feels.
You cannot fall in love a first sight - you may feel lust or even that strong gravitation but not love - you will however when you eventually love that person, look back on the first encounter and say to your self "I have loved this person since the first time that I met them"
Sorry kids - no go. You say that because your perception of reality is distorts by your hormones.. by your "feelings" and you cant remember your true first impressions because of that residue that has remained from then that has grown and spread like a virus through your very sole to bloom into the heartless problem that is now yours and you decide to call love. great - you have it, its good for you - if your really lucky it's also great for your partner and all is well and good. Yet – on the whole I should say “all well and good until”.
Until something goes wrong, and the two of you slip out of your dance. Dancing love again is the same as the dance of gravitation in the stars and the planets - and similarly with the stars - you will never have two bodies who are the same size dancing the same dance: one has to be bigger then the other. So, you or your partner: one has to love the other more. It cannot ever be equally matched.. it may be close, but never the same. What you must hope is that you manage to find a relationship where you are close - and not one where you are running circles around - like Mercury around the sun.
Or - that your crushed and spread around like the rings of Saturn.
Or - that you just one of many like the moons of Jupiter (who I found out has 61 moons in total!!)
What if you were in a relation ship like Pluto - so far out of the picture that your hardly there... and nearly forgotten. Or, maybe worst of all - what if you were a comet??? That you spend thousands of years out in the cold nowhere of space until its too much for you and you hurtle back in to your love and your centre. Imagine: You fly in, gathering speed and momentum getting faster and faster. Your heart melts as you get closer you want to show them who you are, what can be and you want to be loved.
Only to find when you get to close that again its not to be, you get burnt, your heart is melted you have fast swing around and all is good. for a moment that is.then they let go of you again. In pain, you take off at top speed to hide your it - to heal your heart and let it grow cold and icy... you leave thinking that you'll never do it again, that you wont be hurt again that love is something that you don’t need anymore. believe me - you say that, you'll be made to eat your own words."
Tears stream down the faces of the people who can relate to my story - be it if they have been one of those bodies themselves of because they can see how easy it cold be to fall into something like that.
"…but what about us here - what about our earth... she isn’t the same size as the moon - but the earth and the moon get along don’t they?? Well… yes they do - and there is a funny thing - although you would think that they are so different - what the moon lacks in size - it makes for up in its actions. The tides, the pull of the water in all living things and the cycles the it goes through - and if here we try to be a bit cliché and add "the soft glow that it shines down on the earth on a regular interval - basking the earth in its devotion and love."
at the moment I feel that I have been wandering for too long - yet know not do I how to go back and find someone new.... do I glide in like a comet and hope that (in my case) She catches me in her orbit? in her gravitational field? how do you do it? and what is it that we're looking for?? would it be possible for two opposite directions to be flying through the sky and then pass by each other?? if it was - would you not think that it would also be possible that if those two bodies were to be passing close enough and have enough in common that as they passed they could swing in towards each other and start their own spin?? Although - if that worked, one would not be spinning around the other..... but they would be spinning around a central common point? yes, they would - not like a planet and a moon, but like two stars... with a common point a common cause - stepping the same steps in opposite to make one intricate dance that was a whole. How would the physics work in a situation like that??? Leading up to it you would have to know the speed, see it coming and have those common properties..... and the point of choice would be small... to early and you will spin towards each other and fly off in the wrong direction after a brief encounter. Too late and you wont have their forces to pull you together and change your direction... if you wait too long the moment will come, will go - and will be gone and you will both be left waving backwards at opportunity past and reminiscing on what could have been.
Could have been.
but without thinking about it - just give a thought.... their course, that you know is only as much as you have known them for. (you cant know what other forces are in their life) what if they have a dace already... or more to the point here. They simply do not want to Dance with you."
The crowd is shocked back into reality... yes! of corse!!! it seemed too simple, yet we know remember that what he just said was not something that works... but something that could work! And seeing as you cant know what they feel/think/want/need/expect.... THAT variable, the most simple in the whole game - THE OTHER PERSON - is enough to bring the whole lot to a screaming halt and you off in space again.
I could see myself waiting on stage...
Looking out across the sea of faces I could see that they had got what i was on about it didn’t matter that it was totally irrelevant to anything else... they had understood and that by its self was enough.
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Here I am, undecided trying to work out my own path and if I have left one dance.
Knowing that I have, I must attempt to not fall into the painful dance of a comet (something that would be easy - to swing forever around something that is safe and known) and at the same time trying to work out the steps of a new one without being able to see how it goes, if it even exists and ask if i haven’t just already missed that point - if it was ever there - making me simply look wave and again.
I'd try - a wise woman said to me late one night that: "with out scaring yourself from time to time you will never really work out your demons and you wont let your self grow."
take a chance when you can and see where the dance takes you.
thats enough thinking for one day i do believe.
